Do or Don't: Warming Lubricant

DON'T. It will inevitably end up in your mouth, and it's not enjoyable to feel like you're eating spicy food while bumping uglies. My belief is that when you're boning, you should have all senses tuned in to the feel, smell, and taste of the sex itself. Not of the lubricant. 

Focus on the fuck. The orgasm will make it worth it.

And that's all I have to say about that.

My favorite dessert: afternoon delight

One of the things from college that I miss the most is the fact that it was a sexual smorgasbord. Thousands of young, hormone-ridden men at their sexual peak, ready to greet you with open beer and bedroom doors. But the best part is that you were free to frolic and fuck whenever and wherever you so pleased. My personal favorite was in the middle of the day. When I worked at a bookstore I would go to my boyfriend’s house during my lunch break and get a quickie in. Or if I was in class and craving a good romp I would text my latest bump buddy and arrange a rendezvous. Not only was it fun and sexually satisfying, it was also a great way to de-stress and clear your mind. Some of the best studying I ever did was after a vaginal workout.

So now that I’ve survived college, how will I survive the deprivation of sexual freedom? How can I get my daily fuck fix?

Currently, I come home from work and paddle the pink canoe (such is the life when in a long-distance relationship); it’s not ideal, but it gets me off. What I would love to do is take those lunch hours and turn them into brief, steamy, moments of thrusting passion. I’d love knowing that I wore my lacy black thong to work so that someone actually got to see it. My thighs would quiver subtly throughout the afternoon and I’d have that just-got-railed glow and had-my-tresses-used-as-reins hair. This vision is incredibly sexy to me: a strong, smart woman takes a lunch break to get on her hands and knees for a ride to brown town. Maybe this occurs in a hotel room or a co-worker’s office…or a park…or a Chipotle bathroom. For those days that you wish you could beat your boss over the head with a baseball bat or punch that girl in the next cube over who laughs like a hyena, it might be a good idea to have a number or two…or five…that you can call up for a cockmeat sandwich. Who better to whip you back into a good mood than someone’s little general? Doing the deed in broad daylight makes it that much more exhilarating; it’ll be impossible to not have a smile on your face afterwards. If you live close to work, even better; have someone over and break in that kitchen table. If you’re like me, you don’t use it to eat on anyway…may as well get eaten out on it. Seriously: the best cure for a bad day, overzealous sex drive, hangover, revenge on your ex-boyfriend, revenge on your roommate, or the lust you’ve had for the mailman, is the same for any diet, from carnivore to vegan…a little afternoon delight.

You know what they say about guys with big hands…

I love a guy with nice, strong hands. And what turns me on even more is when he can perform mechanical tasks with those hands…you know, if he can lube stuff, contort his body to reach into small spaces, use his finger to clear debris from a bearing…oh GOD. Maybe it’s the engineer in me, but guys who use their hands to make a living are fucking sexy. When I’m at work, all I can think about is sex. Okay, so that’s not much different than any other time of day, but at work I think about sex to a point of wanting to rip my clothes off, grab the closest grease-covered redneck, and tell him to pre-lube his packing and mount it to my discharge flange. I have studied the hands of every man I’ve come in contact with at work...and at machine shops, the local Valvoline, and anyone who looks like he knows how to use a lasso.

Anyway, a long time ago, I heard that you can tell how large a guy’s fully-erected dick is by looking at the distance from the tip of his middle finger to the bottom of his palm (right before you get to the wrist). So for a while, I sized men up by using that trick. Then, a few months ago, I heard that the average man’s hard penis is 3 times the size of his thumb. Now I can’t stop looking at men’s thumbs. Guys, it doesn’t matter how fat you are, how tall you are, how much hair you have…I will look at your hands, I will judge the size and shape of your penis, and I will wonder if you prefer top or bottom…or something a little more frisky (okay, I don’t do that last one for the fatties…that’s fucking gross, and you know they can’t even see their dick let alone try and use it in a position that requires additional muscle exertion).

So all that being said, is it true? Is there a correlation? Now, the logical thinker in me wants to go and corral subgroups, take samples, and use statistical analysis to find a trend…the sex addict in me wants to go ride a few herds of bologna ponies and see who gives me the most intense orgasm. For the sake of time and the fact I’m in a monogamous relationship, I decided to do a little research. Many question & answer sites said no, there is no relationship (note: most of these were men’s health websites…surprise, surprise). I found one interesting site that discussed the statistics of penis size, including flaccid and erect length and standard deviations of the majority of the population.

But the argument that caught my eye states that: “Penis size does not follow the same rules as bones and muscles, which have to match the overall height in order to sustain body weight and maintain the erect posture”. The article then goes on to state that the penis should be compared to parts of the body that aren’t influenced by body height, like ears or nose. Hmm. I suppose that could make sense; but from personal experience, the size of the hands doth a package make. Yeah, yeah, I know there are those statistical outliers whose trouser snakes refuse to hang with the majority of society. But I want to be able to look at man and know if I’d be boinking Little Willie or shaking someone’s third leg. A tall, slender gentleman with long, fingers probably has a long, slender dick (if you like having your uterus poked but not feeling anything anywhere else, he’s your man). Anyone with chubby fingers probably has a chubby lil’ penis. I like to look for strong hands that are slightly more vascular and thicker/firmer; these guys tend to have good length and nice girth (and I looove me some girth). Also, guys who are around 5”10 to 6”2 (a little taller than my 5”7) tend to have nicely-sized cocks and are a good height for trying out various sex positions.

So ladies, I still encourage looking at the hands. If not just for the appearance, then for how they use them. Imagine those hands on the girls…or on your clit…or creeping their way in to occupy Vagistan. Are you wet yet? If not, next him. Or bone him anyway and then next him…that’s what I’d do, but simply because I enjoy the satisfaction of knowing that my hypothesis was correct…and of having a good ol’ romp. But if you’re a little pickier, someone within 3-6” inches taller than you might be a good start; especially if you’re looking to play hide the salami while doing a headstand. Regardless, have fun exploring the male anatomy (if he’s fat, it’ll be more like an expedition just to find the one-eyed monster)…but don’t do anything I wouldn’t do twice.

Is bigger really better?

I’m sure you’ve heard that saying: “It’s not the size of the ship; it’s the motion of the ocean.”  While true, you can’t get to Europe in a rowboat.  Ladies, don’t you sometimes just get the urge to take a ten-inch cock like the champ that you are?  Any time I boned a guy with an enormous dick I would close my eyes and pretend I was a porn star.  Some of you know what I’m talking about.  

That being said, let’s approach it from a different angle (and yes, I’m speaking more than metaphorically).  If you’ve ever had an enormous penis, you know that you can be limited in sexual positions.  And they call it missionary style for a reason; unless you’re a human rubber band or have some anal beads, it gets boring after awhile.  In my opinion, sex is about adventure, pleasure, and trying new things.  I love being tossed and flipped around and then penetrated without warning.  Switching locations is good too; try the front seat, airport parking lot, boiler room, bushes, kitchen table, your friend’s parents’ boat…but not a hammock.  It’s super uncomfortable.  

Anyway, I’ve read and heard that the average man’s penis is between 5 and 7 inches when fully erected.  From my experience, that’s the perfect length for sexcapades; although, I personally would prefer the upper end of that range rather than the lower end.  God, I hate little dicks.  Aside from abandoned kittens, there is nothing I feel more pity towards than a man with a weenis.  They must go after virgins, right?  I mean, any girl with some experience is going to take one look and peace out.  Or laugh.  Or cry.  Damn I hate getting all worked up and wet for nothing.  That’s why I look for guys with big hands…and a strong back…and thighs that could choke a bear…but that’s a whole other blog.

In short: gentlemen, if you have an average-length dick, you’re most likely fine.  Besides, studies have shown that most women prefer girth to length.  And let me speak for most of the women out there when I say that does not mean that we want fat mini sausages.  For those of you with little peters: find yourself a midget (or anyone under 3”11…I think that’s legally considered a midget in some states) who will be able to feel and/or receive satisfaction from your jellybean.  

Ladies, if you happen to find yourself unwillingly in the company of a tadpole: bail.  Wait; get oral, and then bail.  Make something up: you have to be up early, you have to feed your dog, you have to alphabetize your DVD collection (I know someone who actually does that…you know who you are…love ya!).  However, if you should be so lucky as to stumble across an incredibly beautiful, ample schlong, I say jump on it.  And ride it like there’s no tomorrow.  Because tomorrow he’ll be off pounding some other fortunate young lady into the upper echelons of bodily bliss, and you’ll be left with just your memories (or maybe not…alcohol is highly encouraged when transforming into your porn star alter ego) and the sensation that you were riding a stallion for a week straight.  Yes, sweetie, he will plow you and most likely not call you; that’s because he has a big dick, and guys with big dicks can do stuff like that because they know that for every one girl he drills, there’s at least four dozen other ones waiting for him to administer the hot beef injection.  

But for those average-length lovelies that you come across, enjoy.  Try something different; I recommend you sit on his lap facing away from him while he plays with your clit or wearing high heels with your legs far apart and your hands grabbing your ankles while he nails you from behind.  But I’m partial to the doggy-style variations.  Or screw someplace new; try the library (especially right before class, so you scuttle in late with your hair a mess, struggling to button your jeans and wipe the glaze from your mouth), or a dressing room, or perhaps a senior citizen center (they need something to talk about).  Variety is the spice of life (except tiny peckers), and it’s the best way to keep the spark alive in your relationship…or to have a great story to tell your girlfriends the next morning.