My favorite dessert: afternoon delight

One of the things from college that I miss the most is the fact that it was a sexual smorgasbord. Thousands of young, hormone-ridden men at their sexual peak, ready to greet you with open beer and bedroom doors. But the best part is that you were free to frolic and fuck whenever and wherever you so pleased. My personal favorite was in the middle of the day. When I worked at a bookstore I would go to my boyfriend’s house during my lunch break and get a quickie in. Or if I was in class and craving a good romp I would text my latest bump buddy and arrange a rendezvous. Not only was it fun and sexually satisfying, it was also a great way to de-stress and clear your mind. Some of the best studying I ever did was after a vaginal workout.

So now that I’ve survived college, how will I survive the deprivation of sexual freedom? How can I get my daily fuck fix?

Currently, I come home from work and paddle the pink canoe (such is the life when in a long-distance relationship); it’s not ideal, but it gets me off. What I would love to do is take those lunch hours and turn them into brief, steamy, moments of thrusting passion. I’d love knowing that I wore my lacy black thong to work so that someone actually got to see it. My thighs would quiver subtly throughout the afternoon and I’d have that just-got-railed glow and had-my-tresses-used-as-reins hair. This vision is incredibly sexy to me: a strong, smart woman takes a lunch break to get on her hands and knees for a ride to brown town. Maybe this occurs in a hotel room or a co-worker’s office…or a park…or a Chipotle bathroom. For those days that you wish you could beat your boss over the head with a baseball bat or punch that girl in the next cube over who laughs like a hyena, it might be a good idea to have a number or two…or five…that you can call up for a cockmeat sandwich. Who better to whip you back into a good mood than someone’s little general? Doing the deed in broad daylight makes it that much more exhilarating; it’ll be impossible to not have a smile on your face afterwards. If you live close to work, even better; have someone over and break in that kitchen table. If you’re like me, you don’t use it to eat on anyway…may as well get eaten out on it. Seriously: the best cure for a bad day, overzealous sex drive, hangover, revenge on your ex-boyfriend, revenge on your roommate, or the lust you’ve had for the mailman, is the same for any diet, from carnivore to vegan…a little afternoon delight.

You know what they say about guys with big hands…

I love a guy with nice, strong hands. And what turns me on even more is when he can perform mechanical tasks with those hands…you know, if he can lube stuff, contort his body to reach into small spaces, use his finger to clear debris from a bearing…oh GOD. Maybe it’s the engineer in me, but guys who use their hands to make a living are fucking sexy. When I’m at work, all I can think about is sex. Okay, so that’s not much different than any other time of day, but at work I think about sex to a point of wanting to rip my clothes off, grab the closest grease-covered redneck, and tell him to pre-lube his packing and mount it to my discharge flange. I have studied the hands of every man I’ve come in contact with at work...and at machine shops, the local Valvoline, and anyone who looks like he knows how to use a lasso.

Anyway, a long time ago, I heard that you can tell how large a guy’s fully-erected dick is by looking at the distance from the tip of his middle finger to the bottom of his palm (right before you get to the wrist). So for a while, I sized men up by using that trick. Then, a few months ago, I heard that the average man’s hard penis is 3 times the size of his thumb. Now I can’t stop looking at men’s thumbs. Guys, it doesn’t matter how fat you are, how tall you are, how much hair you have…I will look at your hands, I will judge the size and shape of your penis, and I will wonder if you prefer top or bottom…or something a little more frisky (okay, I don’t do that last one for the fatties…that’s fucking gross, and you know they can’t even see their dick let alone try and use it in a position that requires additional muscle exertion).

So all that being said, is it true? Is there a correlation? Now, the logical thinker in me wants to go and corral subgroups, take samples, and use statistical analysis to find a trend…the sex addict in me wants to go ride a few herds of bologna ponies and see who gives me the most intense orgasm. For the sake of time and the fact I’m in a monogamous relationship, I decided to do a little research. Many question & answer sites said no, there is no relationship (note: most of these were men’s health websites…surprise, surprise). I found one interesting site that discussed the statistics of penis size, including flaccid and erect length and standard deviations of the majority of the population.

But the argument that caught my eye states that: “Penis size does not follow the same rules as bones and muscles, which have to match the overall height in order to sustain body weight and maintain the erect posture”. The article then goes on to state that the penis should be compared to parts of the body that aren’t influenced by body height, like ears or nose. Hmm. I suppose that could make sense; but from personal experience, the size of the hands doth a package make. Yeah, yeah, I know there are those statistical outliers whose trouser snakes refuse to hang with the majority of society. But I want to be able to look at man and know if I’d be boinking Little Willie or shaking someone’s third leg. A tall, slender gentleman with long, fingers probably has a long, slender dick (if you like having your uterus poked but not feeling anything anywhere else, he’s your man). Anyone with chubby fingers probably has a chubby lil’ penis. I like to look for strong hands that are slightly more vascular and thicker/firmer; these guys tend to have good length and nice girth (and I looove me some girth). Also, guys who are around 5”10 to 6”2 (a little taller than my 5”7) tend to have nicely-sized cocks and are a good height for trying out various sex positions.

So ladies, I still encourage looking at the hands. If not just for the appearance, then for how they use them. Imagine those hands on the girls…or on your clit…or creeping their way in to occupy Vagistan. Are you wet yet? If not, next him. Or bone him anyway and then next him…that’s what I’d do, but simply because I enjoy the satisfaction of knowing that my hypothesis was correct…and of having a good ol’ romp. But if you’re a little pickier, someone within 3-6” inches taller than you might be a good start; especially if you’re looking to play hide the salami while doing a headstand. Regardless, have fun exploring the male anatomy (if he’s fat, it’ll be more like an expedition just to find the one-eyed monster)…but don’t do anything I wouldn’t do twice.