That being said, let’s approach it from a different angle (and yes, I’m speaking more than metaphorically). If you’ve ever had an enormous penis, you know that you can be limited in sexual positions. And they call it missionary style for a reason; unless you’re a human rubber band or have some anal beads, it gets boring after awhile. In my opinion, sex is about adventure, pleasure, and trying new things. I love being tossed and flipped around and then penetrated without warning. Switching locations is good too; try the front seat, airport parking lot, boiler room, bushes, kitchen table, your friend’s parents’ boat…but not a hammock. It’s super uncomfortable.
Anyway, I’ve read and heard that the average man’s penis is between 5 and 7 inches when fully erected. From my experience, that’s the perfect length for sexcapades; although, I personally would prefer the upper end of that range rather than the lower end. God, I hate little dicks. Aside from abandoned kittens, there is nothing I feel more pity towards than a man with a weenis. They must go after virgins, right? I mean, any girl with some experience is going to take one look and peace out. Or laugh. Or cry. Damn I hate getting all worked up and wet for nothing. That’s why I look for guys with big hands…and a strong back…and thighs that could choke a bear…but that’s a whole other blog.
In short: gentlemen, if you have an average-length dick, you’re most likely fine. Besides, studies have shown that most women prefer girth to length. And let me speak for most of the women out there when I say that does not mean that we want fat mini sausages. For those of you with little peters: find yourself a midget (or anyone under 3”11…I think that’s legally considered a midget in some states) who will be able to feel and/or receive satisfaction from your jellybean.
Ladies, if you happen to find yourself unwillingly in the company of a tadpole: bail. Wait; get oral, and then bail. Make something up: you have to be up early, you have to feed your dog, you have to alphabetize your DVD collection (I know someone who actually does that…you know who you are…love ya!). However, if you should be so lucky as to stumble across an incredibly beautiful, ample schlong, I say jump on it. And ride it like there’s no tomorrow. Because tomorrow he’ll be off pounding some other fortunate young lady into the upper echelons of bodily bliss, and you’ll be left with just your memories (or maybe not…alcohol is highly encouraged when transforming into your porn star alter ego) and the sensation that you were riding a stallion for a week straight. Yes, sweetie, he will plow you and most likely not call you; that’s because he has a big dick, and guys with big dicks can do stuff like that because they know that for every one girl he drills, there’s at least four dozen other ones waiting for him to administer the hot beef injection.
But for those average-length lovelies that you come across, enjoy. Try something different; I recommend you sit on his lap facing away from him while he plays with your clit or wearing high heels with your legs far apart and your hands grabbing your ankles while he nails you from behind. But I’m partial to the doggy-style variations. Or screw someplace new; try the library (especially right before class, so you scuttle in late with your hair a mess, struggling to button your jeans and wipe the glaze from your mouth), or a dressing room, or perhaps a senior citizen center (they need something to talk about). Variety is the spice of life (except tiny peckers), and it’s the best way to keep the spark alive in your relationship…or to have a great story to tell your girlfriends the next morning.
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